Tell Heather sorry for burning her hair. Also for anything else that I may have done that warrants and apology. Anything after about 10pm is kind of hazy.
ive decided theres a fine line between accepting money for sex and letting someone buy you late night taco bell and knowing that if he hadnt you wouldnt be in his bed right now
after last night i think it would be a good idea if i wrote a will... you know, just in case.
I'd like to personally thank you for not letting anyone puke in any of the salad bowls this time
For some reason I knew you were going to smell like strippers and burritos when I hugged you.
Partial kegs from last night are currently in my bathtub, which leads me to 2 questions: 1. What are you doing tonight? 2. Can I use your shower?
Okay I can't even be mad, I'm in mid-plot to hook up with Michael Phelp's third cousin.
I gave him shit for taking my sloppy seconds and when I woke up my eyebrow was gone
I just bought the spice girls album. We will be doing music videos in the near future. You are our baby spice-- don't fight it
Dinner was cheetos vodka and whiskey. This is what happens when even your booty call breaks up with you.
I'm just saying, if you haven't been dropped off at a Wawa at 5:30 in the morning by 3 cop cars, you're missing out
The magician guy on probation is here at the bar. I'm gonna get him to show me a trick
If you're doing something that makes your best friend lock you in a bathroom you shouldn't be doing it
Don’t say some truly stupid shit like that to me. In a kitchen. Where the knives are kept
I knew how high you were when you put a french fry in your mouth and said 'fuck, this tastes like meat but feels blue.'
Randomize
