I have said "that's the wrong hole" for the last time.
They should make Glad Forceflex condoms.
He told me his condom was going to expire tomorrow and he needed to use it. I can't believe I fell for it.
Stop staring at my boobs, I can't concentrate
Well how do you think I feel
fair enough
He kept waking up periodically throughtout the night to bit my ear and pass back out.
They woke me up at 4 in the morning screaming "drunk adventure time!" because they needed a sober chaperone. They made me walk them around the block shoeless.
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawnmower thinking of you
it's 2:30 on a sunday and I just won a wine chugging contest. I'm never graduating.
See what happens chris. I told u not to invite her over. Now shes on her way to jail and were stuck with two pomeranians.
My whole family just stopped to look at me and aknowledge how fucked up I am.
I'm going to give blood tomorrow. Prepare yourself for pictures and a cynical poem about the heart and its level of tangibility.
Below this exterior of ice is a layer of cum. Followed by a pool of gin. More cum. Then, finally a heart.
Hey I consider Sunday's trip to the ER a success. You're alive and now you know for sure you're not pregnant. I got my highest ever Tetris score. Wins all around.
Got kicked out of the club and woke up at a frat house. Good night? Couldn't tell you. I got a date out of it I'm glad someone thinks my drinking problem is cute.
At one point she put on my dads pants and yelled after him EMILIOOOO! Dude, my dads name is Mark.
Randomize
