can we take a shower together?
no need for the romantic shit. I'm a sure thing
where are you?
sonic
Good. I hungoveredly cleaned your room. This is what being married is going to be like. I pick the condoms up off the floor and you bring home the hot dogs.
I was hitting on her while she was puking ... yeah i was pretty drunk
the most drunk i have ever been? possibly. the most drunk i have ever been on a monday? definently.
Before you become official, we should get a hotel room and fuck our brains out. Sort of like a going away party for your penis.
Thanks for buying me a sippy cup, its so pretty and everyone keeps telling me its probably the best gift anyone could have given me
I'm hungover and surrounded by children and Republicans. What did I do to deserve this?
Throwing up out both ends. This is not how I pictured adulthood.
I've just informed her that you've voted her Chief-Adult-In-Charge-Of-Shit and that she will take the oath of office on Fri Dec 14th at 8 pm with her hand on a bottle of Jager.
I just ate a raisin that tasted like wine. Is this real life or is this my body trying to tell me it's Friday and I should be drinking right now?
Because I'm a hot mess throwing up in the litter box
I've started budgeting for next year. It looks like I'll be crying tears of dollar bills and handing them over to pay back my unholy college debt.
Here's to not getting arrested this year on thanksgiving again. Cheers bitches!
I wonder whether Megan will forgive me if i have phone sex in her attic
I just watched my mom pour beer into her vodka and drink it.
Randomize