Every morning i wake up and check his twitter like a horoscope
im sitting in the back of my pickup eating an artichoke. please come find me, im scared.
that was a mass text, wasnt it?
looking back, maybe 11 flaming dr peppers was a little extreme
This might sound awkward, but can I borrow a dildo for class?
She just gave me a free latte.
Correction. She just have you a frothy, creamy path to that vagina.
I feel like my nipples were chewed on by alligators.
I realized after pounding back 151 and head banging into each other to "the drop" of that dub step song, that we weren't meant to have boyfriends at this point in time.
Returning my drunken purchases from last night. Not a single thing I bought was on sale.
i could have been the DD. this is ridiculous. i'm the most sober and getting the least ass.
Nah I've been there. The worst you'll see is some hobo peeing in a sewer at 3 am on a Saturday
I find it fascinating that she'd be more comfortable with her mom finding out she submits dirty disney confessions on tumblr than about her secret email account she uses to chat with dutch and brazilian strangers.
Well, my family didn't see me in my drunken super slut state at Summerfest, so there must be a God.
in honor of breaking bad starting soon, i am now banging a walter white lookalike. viva heisenberg!
He somehow obtained a megaphone and managed to scare away the out-of-control house party—the house party that HE started, by the way— by pretending to be the police.
The girl at the liquor store remembered me as "the girl who pays in hundreds" so she didn't ID me
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