so..some girl walked up to me on the porch last night. She came to apologize for peeing on our lawn a few days ago. I just looked at her and said it was ok, she wasn't the first.
If she didn't want me to pass out in her bathroom, then she shouldn't have such a furry rug in there
Half Baked? Au contraire, Ben and Jerry, I was fully baked when I ate that whole pint of ice cream.
Is she bent over a couch yet or did daylight savings time throw off her usual schedule?
The best was having to tell my 16y/o cuz and her bf that we could see him fingering her in the inner tube. Lucky for them, I'm the cool cousin... and was river-level fuckedup.
shouldve known this week was gonna be bad when I threw up in my coffee mug
She sprinted out of the bathroom and ran all the way into the middle of the street. Five minutes later she came back with a banana nut muffin. She's that kind of drunk.
Dude. This guy has a ketchup bottle full of jello shots. Best. Thing. Ever.
You came on the chandelier from the first floor.. Of course were allowed back
I just want someone to shove bread from panera down my throat
Naked snow angels was a very bad idea. My vag is now frozen shut.
She just kept screaming and saying "fucking you is like fucking a mountain"
What?? I could've slept with an ordained minister!
This is getting exciting. I almost wanna turn off all the lights, get some popcorn, and stare at my phone screen to see if she's going to say yes or not
And on a much sadder note, I'm way to drunk for this right now
I was totes going to lose it to him last night, but I cried and we ate mexican food instead.
Randomize
