I know she is the girl of my dreams bc she orgasmed, rolled over and then asked if I knew that Orlando beat Cleveland.
you busted in the room, ripped the covers off of us, ... and fist pumped
We've done the math and the dogs tails are wagging at a rate of 3000 wags per hour. Stoned.
You did a strip tease for the toilet.
She spilled some tequila on her hair somehow and I guess I felt bad for her, so I yelled "ROOMIES FOR LIFE" and dipped my hair in my tequila.
He spent $1100 at a strip club. If I had that kind of disposable income, I'd make a cocaine sandcastle.
My life is a joke. Told everyone last night that they could call me Mrs. McCormick because I'm gonna end up alone with a handle of peach vodka anyways.
Just switched my underwear without taking my pants off don't ever be ashamed to be related to me
you did that thing you do when youre drunk where you rant about bruce springsteen, start hooking up with someone and then pass out midway through
In an unrelated matter, im gonna eat you out so much later.
And they're not making a turkey. My cousin was "hoping to shoot a bird this week"
Update: they told me I was twerking to twenty one pilots
I can't believe we broke the fucking lamp.
*i* can't believe believe we broke the lamp fucking.
Yeah apparently i called the bartender a "fucking prison warden" after she took my keys and called me a cab
Just passed a girl holding a jar filled with what appeared to be diarrhea
Randomize
