FB needs to have a relationship status called...screwing my roommates bf..linking their names would be an easier to tell her!
I wish the health center treadmills counted beers burned not calories
I just ordered a 3 square foot pizza. This is how to beat an eating disorder.
At first I was confused when I woke up with shards of glass and pickle brine in my pants. But then I remembered I hung out with you last night.
He ended up letting us go, I think he just felt sorry for us. It's the only time that my night's gotten worse after I've taken my pants off.
I told her that if she blew me I would give her the empty pizza box in the fridge.... Why did she agree?
Yeah then she waddled like a duck in silence sat down and ate the entire paper towel roll.
Just got hit on by a 50 year old Englishman who is now swapping drunken racing stories with my mom. Live Mariachi band in the background. How's that for a wake?
Im calling you paparazzi cause of all the dick pics you take of your one night stands ps loved the panoramic one!
I'm 99.9% sure the people upstairs are using walki-talkies to talk to each other across the room. Too high for this shit
Lost feeling in my face, my shoe and had a nose bleed. That's not wings. Fuck red bull.
I WANT BLOOD. HERS. I WILL DYE A FABULOUS PAIR OF SUEDE PUMPS RED WITH HER BLOOD.
336: Dude I lost my.phone Wednesday night at a party and just found it, three days later, on the lacrosse field....what the actual fuck.
I just gave a fucking twenty minute blowiob.. I'm a GOOD girlfriend.
You do realize it’s only a matter of time before I have a bad day and come home with an alpaca?
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