chick flicks and taylor swift songs are like porn for desperate singles
You're boyfriend is farting in his sleep. The last one sounded like a threat.
For real. Like, if I ever had to choose a last meal, I would just choose to get high and eat whatever was around.
i cant talk right now. we are trying to finish our homework so we can play with play-doh
I keep calling his kid the wring name. This is not helping my cause. And by cause mean his dick
I'll just tell her I'm here with you picking out a buttplug for her to say "I'm sorry".
Code red. She won't talk to me. Maybe it has something to do with her raccoon eyes. Perry said there was a brief moment of towel fighting until you passed out. Did you draw the turtle on my ass?
I mean there is a rehab there so its gotta be a good time
I'm instituting a new rule. If you wake me up at 3am about wrinkled blankets, I get to throat punch you
Happiness is having a 12 hour day thinking that there are only 2 beers in the fridge when you get home, but then finding 8. Fuck you Monday, this week I won.
I just woke up to a ten minute voicemail of you sobbing about the X-Men. Stop getting drunk and watching Marvel movies.
BUT WOLVERINE IS SO TORMENTED AND JUST WANTS TO BE LOVED
Never go drinking with anime club. End of story.
Nice. Ask if they watched saved by the bell. yes=legal. No=jailbait
Do not buy a prego test at the Walgreens you frequent. It's awkward. Just trust me.
I accidentally just texted my dad asking if he wants to do shrooms with me. Do I leave the city now or...
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