I gave up sex with dolphins for you.
Okay so if I'm going to keep referring to my hangover in the third person it needs a name.
Just turned rock'em sock'em robots with my little cousin into a drinking game. Im drinking bourbon hes drinking hot chocolate.
hey bro how do you do that fake vagina thing with the tp roll? im bored.
our night together was a product of my beer goggles and jennifer aniston-like desperation.
i just had a pap smear and two shots. lets hit the beach.
The worst thing about him living around the corner is that who ever suggests the booty call is the one that walks over.
We hit a deer while we were singing an acapella version of "I will always love you"
Thanks for the hickies, asshole. I make my living as a fitness instructor. It's gonna look reeeeeeal weird if I have to wear a scarf while teaching Zumba all week.
DOMA is dead. I'm definitely going to be the last of our friends to get married now.
I'm pretty sure i doubled the number of dicks I've ever touched, last night.
There's a set of buzz lightyear wings in lost and found at work. I just need access to your roof.
Seltzer and cocaine. Life is flawless right now.
I have an empty apartment, Chinese food, and fresh batteries in my vibrator. There's nothing on this earth that could lure me out tonight.
Let me just get through this whole court subpoena thing and then ill go back to buying alcohol for minors.
Randomize
