Alright folks.. i have made history - I just hit my 2nd PARKED car SOBER withing 6 months.. :*( wtf?!
She looks like Robin Williams dressed as a frog.
i broke up with my boyfriend last night because i had to eat a freezy pop in every color and he ate the last blue one. i sat on the floor and cried for an hour at least. everyone left. so i decided that this whole weed thing isnt really healthy for my relationships.
Planned Parenthood should have gift certificates.
So I just googled the ten commandments... Were fucked.
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
Dude, I had to masturbate just to stay warm. Please pay the gas bill?
Is your answer to that text seriously a right parenthesis
I woke up and watched my kitten suck on his nipple. Way too hungover to intervene. He thought it was me, so he just giggled and mumbled "mmm girl."
Seriously? God I hope he wasn't lactating.
......... Poor kitty
Somehow it went from suicide to pierced nipples. I think we're good.
I feel like despite his sleaziness I could be friends with this man. he just sent me a picture of his dog's balls.
Okay. I am working on pulling a tooth out of my mouth. Call me.
'twas the night before moms weekend and all were blacked out. Not a coug was sober not even farm house. I was down to fuck but you were not in sight, so I bid pullmania a sweet goodnight.
MILK DIDN'T HELP. IT'S NOT HELPING
where are you guys?
stoned at his house watching water boil
Randomize