sometimes when you bring the thunder you get lost in the storm
my mouth smells like i just ate out a crab.
I love that we get drink and call each other crying. It's kind of our thing.
I finally beat you i just fucked my professor last night!!!\n\n
sry, psychiatrist trumps professor
dont worry, it'll just be a conversation starter like "why did you get that pierced?" or "wow, i got arrested there too"
it was just fiscally responsible to stop going to strip clubs where the strippers recognized me
Look at the bright side...I have an 11 inch penis
is it bad that I didn't wash the cum out of my hair because it keeps my curls intact?
You should've come to the party. It was like an identity parade of everyone you screwed last year.
Unfortunately hes not a hipster douchebag with no life goals, so naturally I'm not interested.
I started rolling down the window so he pulled into a gas station and i puked all over the side of the car while some dude stared at me. I waved and we drove away
Pretty sure I just became my mom's wingman
I'm mailing you cans of corn and that's final.
You continued to run around saying "free the nipple" while "taste testing" every liquor on the premises.
I was just drinking but now I'm drinking and chasing with red bull. I call this "getting ready for work"
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