I will return your cat, I saw a mouse in my apt last night and your door was unlocked, it seemed really practical
Just walk through the Honors dorm on a Saturday night. You'll feel better about yourself.
Just walked by a yard full of girls wearing bikinis. I did my best to stare.
The Wii Fit is already telling me I'm an alcoholic.
I just had to give myself a pep talk to stop lying on my floor. Literally too hung over to function
Showerbowl immediately followed by pullups naked. I feel like fucking Tarzan
Tonight will be judged a success if I walk out without having thrown up on my shirt.
VODKAVODKAVODKAYESSSS
I swear god is testing me by giving me awesome guys with tiny penises
But I just had this pork pâté. It was dick grabbing.
I need to pay that drinking in public ticket, but I also really want to get a spray tan next week... so priorities.
I'm ready to sell my soul to the strip club tonight
Saved a second guy who was crying/on the verge of wigging out. Just call me the drug whisperer.
Me too...I'm driving to work trying to figure out if I put my pants on the right way.
I thought it was your cat but I was wrong your Roomba is possessed by a pissed-off evil spirit.
Randomize
