I just fell asleep with a sandwich in my mouth at Cosi..people definitely saw
She asked how far humans have gone into a volcano because they did in spy kids. She was serious.
I'm wearing an NBA shooting sleeve while jerking off...and yes my arm has stayed warm
I just shot gunned a beer for your birthday alone because you're too hungover at midnight to get out of bed. I'm not sure which of us is the bigger loser
I wasn't sure if "you're even prettier in the dark" was a compliment. Hmm.
Dude, they are shaking the RV, yell at them. It feels like i'm being rocked to sleep, I don't like it, I'm not a baby.
Thanksgiving Shitshow: My grandparents found me passed out on the bathroom floor wearing nothing but a scarf made of toilet paper
In her drunkenness, she packed a bag with tequila, two shot glasses, salt, a knife, and two pears. She was prepared but too high to distinguish pears from limes.
He picked up a chick with a line about the price of used cars in Sri Lanka and developing economies. Step it up.
They are taking turns pissing on the fire. This is my life.
One of the art pieces was basically this chick throwing raw meat at the audience, anyone who got hit (which I did) got a free shot of whiskey. It was worth it.
His hair looked like he was in a bukaki and then got a perm right after
Just had hot animal sex with the guy who had been sending me 10 second selfie snapchats for the past month
Remind me to tell you all about the topless girl on the street who attempted to taze me.
NO NINJA FIGHTING AT THE GAS STATION
Randomize