I just had sex in the back of an ambulance. Call me.
last night i found where hot topic managers go to die after they get fired.
Does this sound normal?...She's ironing on pictures of her dead cat to all of her green clothes...
Well, my mom brought up me being vague about losing my license and she gave me the intervention look. so i left before they could bring out their heartfelt letters...
I'm sorry, our booty call lines closed at 2 am. If you are receiving this message it is our off hours. Please try again between the hours of 12pm and 2 am to reschedule your booty call. Thank you for your cooperation.
I'll be in my room with a breakfast burrito at 2:30. It's up to you...
you were drunkenly making out with a 20-something in front of your wife. at least the guy your wife left with was decent looking.
My boss brought her husband's telescope to work, so all of us that work in the MMJ Dispensary got high and had an impromptu Blood Moon viewing party. I love my job.
Let's go get coffee and handcuffs.
I woke up with my face covered in mustard. Your mom said I ate hotdogs like a pornstar
Holy shit I'm 26! That took an embarrassingly long time to figure it out, I need to keep buyin weed from this kid
They're the one who can profit the most when given the opportunity for blackmail.
At least that's how I've always seen it whenever I've been the Designated Driver.
That simultaneously explains everything and makes me very very terrified of you.
I have in my possession one ukulele shaped package.
I think he fucked my hip out of place.
sober me needs to have more faith in drunk me.
Randomize
