Old men and throwing up are my life now.
I may or may not have puked in my RA's suggestion box.
just told my mom that i'm having a bad day and she responded with "maybe you should pour yourself a nice drink". good to know that my parents support my future of alcoholism
thankjk goddddn taco bell uis open htis lateee!
you do know it's eleven in the afternoon, right?
Ended the weekend putting away 30 nuggets. Training for 100.
I have already decided that it happened in an alternate universe since both of the people involved don't remember it and we only have the word of a sober person that it happened at all
i only avoided him because he looked like he was about to have a heart attack and i didnt feel like doing cpr on my day off.
what type of emt are you
FUCK... Pulled a chick from the bar went to her house passed out on the shitter. She lives in a house full of girls. They were making poop jokes as i left
I changed my birth control schedule so that I'm on my period while you're gone this week
I don't deserve you.
But it's ok cause then I turned my tequila blanket into a tequila comforter and I felt no pain
She may be more beautiful than I am, but I bet she hasnt pissed in as many public places as me...
You did a body shot out of her belly button with a bendy straw.
Well now you know not to take drugs from your friends. Take it from stangers. They're more reliable.
When Dad gets to your house, ask him about the sound of anal beads. Happy Thanksgiving!
I was grinding on my boss last night. So Monday will be fun. That's what's going on in my life right now.
Randomize
