lesson #67 learned in college: a three day old margarita, is still a margarita.
I'm going to fuck my way out of the friend zone if its the last thing I do
The waitress bought us a round. She said if anyone could do 52 margarita mondays in a row, it was us.
Waking up in a pool chair wrapped in toilet paper is not what I planned when I agreed to movie night
Slurping strawberries throug a straw. It feels like the kool-aid man is coming in my mouth.
Her face just looks like a massive mistake. That's the only legitimate description I can say about it
By "met a doctor" I really mean "fucked a pre med student"
Letting two friends screw at my place in exchange for weed. This is my life.
Just broke my collar bone. May not make it to the party.
You got Broadway Drunk, dude. I haven't heard you sing "Music Of The Night" like that since the last time I was holding you up on the way to the subway at two in the morning.
I faked more orgasms with him then ever should be allowed for someone this pretty.
I have a 30 pack and enough condoms to last until tomorrow morning. Have Mystery Science Theater 3000 ready. I'm on my way over.
I didn't know I was invited to an orgy.
You went home with a guy at 11... than returned to the bar at 1
If you think me talking about that hot guy accepting my LinkedIn request is pornographic, I’m not sure how you’re gonna feel when I tell you I fucked a stranger on a park bench last weekend
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