when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
My costume is made up of 4 inch heels and a firefighter costume I'm borrowing from the dramatic play area of my Pre-K classroom. I told you I could still be slutty on a teacher's salary.
I can't tell if your life is amazing or needs reevaluation when "did I get hit with a nightstick" is a legitimate question.
Some dude gave me a questioning look as I came out of the women's toilet. I just responded 'blowjob' and he understood, then shook my hand.
she gave me a blowjob during our lunchbreak and expected me not to tell people
I just found that video of you jumping onto my exercise ball feet-first and face-planting into my shoe rack.
I know you're gay. But if I'm not getting dick, then you have to. That's what friends do.
If you take a post shower shit just get back in bed. You're better off starting your whole morning all over again.
SOS YOU NEED TO TAKE THE CANDY PANTIES OUT OF THE GLOVE COMPARTMENT BEFORE MOM TAKES MY CAR
He was nothing but deer-caught-in-headlight eyes and dick, it was adorable
Sorry for yelling at you, I'm just really emotional about missing comicon.
Things were going really well until his cousin showed up. She told him I look kind of like his mom, which started a ten-minute debate on my and his mother's specific features, and ultimately, who is prettier. Guess who my date picked.
Why is there a trampoline for sale in my front yard?
My lack of taco bell is hindering me from seeing the good part of that situation
"Offered to eat Froot Loops out of my belly button" drunk. Thats how drunk.
Randomize
