we thought you were sober enough for a movie but you took one look at emily blunt and screamed "aw this bitch?!" and passed out 30 seconds later
It's shedding
I told you penises don't tan
he may be homeless but his dick however is not... anymore.
Uhm; your sign says 'Welcome to KFC' and for some reason I can't seem to open the door.
I told the cop to try walking in heels and he'd understand why I was walking home without then on. He told me he only does that on Wednesdays.
So apparently blacked out me judges a man based on what type of dinosaur he would be...
So much for doing Irish car bombs in my grandpa's memory.... Asshole.
I sent him this really overly apologetic text asking him out. It was just sad. Not even 27 shots of whiskey can grow me a self-esteem.
I've counted four places at work I need to get laid in. Come help me accomplish this.
Hey, I'm your guy
I'm stuck in a tree and request your assistance ASAP
so in case you needed a ticket for the Hot Mess Express, I'm the conductor now.
Apparently today is power bottom appreciation day
Would it be creepy if I masturbated with my face in the pillow he slept on last night? Cuz I'm pretty sure that's about to happen
How do I say “I have great tits” without it sounding awful
Did you really think putting a napkin over your head would make you giving him a bj less obvious?
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