And then he told me he had the vodka, but he was still in line at WIC for the juice.
The woman in front of me has a completely clear purse. I can see everything. It's ballsy because her vagisil is on display.
Just found out my mom tried to sue the birth control company when she got pregnant with me...love you too mom.
You told me I was special while we were having sex and I asked why.
What did I say?
Don't ask me questions while I have an erection,
im sorry, I just can't fuck a guy who can't receive picture messages
Even the paramedic said "what a way to kill a party"
Also- bikini mowing was a horrible idea. One truck just drove by 3 times, turning around at the end of the block each time. My tan may be better for it but my conscience has been raped.
I feel like a pet sloth would complement my lifestyle.
Yeah, I fucked him. and the worst part is his name was Jesus. And nobody said it in Spanish. Just Jesus. There is no way I can avoid burning when I walk into a church from now on.
Some guys phone started vibrating on the tv. I answered mine. That's how high I am.
I wish I could take a screenshot of how things literally look from my eyeballs right now
I tried to find an emoji but none convey my excitement for receiving good sex soon
I just want a relatively mentally stable guy with tattoos and facial hair that loves Captain America as much as I do and will fuck me the way I deserve to be fucked, is that too much to ask for?
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
Dear god my vagina.
Randomize
