now everythime i write "i'm" in my phone my tap9 spells out "i'm-never-drinking-again". It's trying to remind me
i swear to god her finding her clit was like looking for a sock in a dryer full of beach towels
we fucked while he was on the clock. He didnt even take off his bullet proof vest. Dont tell me thats not bad ass.
So my ex just cheated on her current bf w/me and now there's a car coming to take me to Vegas... Is this really my Thursday night?
I hate you.
I have minimal recognition and a lot of burns on my tongue and my vagina hurts.
He gave me his business card. It was a Justin Bieber trading card with his number written in sharpie. I have to call him don't I?
Dear room mates I tried to shotgun pam in the kitchen. It is slippery. Please be careful. That is all. Love you.
Don't get me wrong, I love talking about lube and such, but why are we?
I think that means you're growing up...when your coke nail becomes your opening mail nail.
I shall welcome him into my body with an open liver and completely lay down all chance of resistance. Sweet Zeus, please take me to Mt. Olympus and share all that is divine. I promise, the secrets will be safe with me
Do I lose at life if I cry in a grocery store while buying a pregnancy test?
You have set the bar insurmountably high with apple pie and buttsex.
Honestly my life is shambles over a married man who looked like a fuckin NERD ON HIS WEDDING DAY
she's throwing knives it scares me
update: broke ceiling. glass everywhere
You stumbled in the door as high as a kite, & ran into the table. I asked you if you were all right. You replied with "I don't have any soup."
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