I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
Just drove past a church with a sign near it that said, "God wants to be your daddy."
Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
I never had a problem I couldn't slut my way out of.
I don't think he knows what shame means anymore. He gave some bar slut his sisters Tiffanys necklace, in exchange for anal.
Either I'm too drunk or she gave me a hand job to the rhythm of jingle bells.
Diet Starts Tomorrow! Guy from McDonalds asked if I got a new car...
Who gives a hand job to a 19 yr old one night then the next lets a 31 year old random man fly a plane to town and pick u up and take u to dinner?
ok, i suppose pissing your pants could be considered a wardrobe malfunction.
Dude, my ex girlfriend showed up, bought me a tequila shot, made out with me and then disappeared into the night. Then her current girlfriend saw, so she came over and slapped me and then I made out with her too
This was before halftime
I RUINED A LESBIAN RELATIONSHIP BEFORE HALFTIME
That guy was cool until he tried fighting that dude in the bow tie. I need better wingmen.
I wonder how long it will take her to realize that I peed in her night stand.
I don't need this shit right now. I just woke up covered in pistachios
Have you ever wondered if we are just made up characters in someone's head? You'll have to forgive me right now I think I have 7 thumbs
I'm having to shit out rocks
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