I just bought a large Pizza and Xanex in the same store...my night is complete
And then he used the flashlight app to illuminate me giving him head. Thanks IPhone
my boss made my mugshot into an 'employee of the month' poster.
well the first picture of me in 2011 involves a viking helmet and chugging champagne. i like this year already.
No, he attached a coozie to his crutches so he can carry his beer around the party.
My fuck buddy took time out of his date with his girlfriend to text me happy Valentines Day.
all I know is I'm really rwfly really really stoned and a bunch of Korean people are yelling at me
no one is here. wer drinking in the beer garden in the dark and we stole a bucket of blue paint off the sidewalk. now her legs are blue.
As I am reading this. I'm standing in my underwear eating taquitos. I'm saying this in the most loving way possible: FUCK OFF.
I know we said we never would. But try fucking a fat guy. He put in so much more effort and then made me waffles.
I think your husband is breaking up with me...
there may have been a blood oath never to speak of it again...only reason i can think of as to why there was a 1 inch bloody cut on my right boob
For an hr, you were convinced you no longer had a right arm so you played Super Mario Bros with just your left hand vs Beth. You won btw, mite b why she refused to wear the unicorn head
I just lifted up my shirt to scratch my stomach n a Dorito flew out of my pullover n it legit scared me when it hit me.
Did I penguin dive down a hill last night?
Randomize
