I tried to gradually lead her into my room but she wouldn't stop crying and quoting memoirs of a geisha
he just told me about his fetish for rubbing grape jelly on his penis.
wait so...it's like an actual thing to masturbate using the detachable shower head? WTF I thought I was being creative!
Do you think my parents will accept my drinking habits more if I told them I like to drink every night because I take good shits the next morning?
She is a social worker. An actual good person trying to save the world. I feel like every time I give her an orgasm God wipes a little smudge off of my shit list.
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE GAY FRIEND?!?!
This weekend was suppose to be a 'smoke weed and stare at things' weekend. Not a 'spend all my rent money partying with Europeans till 8 am' weekend
Yeah but those French chicks did get naked
Really?!? Does he think blocking me on FACEBOOK means that he doesn't have a kid with me?!
1) I'm a decent drunk texter. 2) My world is spinning. 3) I'll give you a dollar and a hug for a glass of water. 4) I love you. 5) Example: your penatrive ways are overwhelming my alternative lyfestyle. 6) That is all.
7) Noodle arms: engage
The example was me just using big words while hammered. You're welcome. Ambidextrious. I spelled it right.
I told her I was dressed as a gag reflex judge.....she won, literally hands down.
I'm going to start charging you rent if you keep leaving your random conquests on my living room couch the morning after
she keeps a switchblade in her panty drawer... i am both terrified and slightly turned on
I fell out of the car while it was moving then got puked on then puked and cried about then got back in the car and puked out the window when we started moving again
When my card got declined you bought the vibrator without me even asking. This is what friendship is.
I honestly think sometimes all you need is a $2 alcoholic punch poured from a jug into a big glass to feel better. I guess abblebees is my new problematic fav
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