Sometimes, in the course of human events, people get lit on fire.
he saw my emergency pass-out-in-the-bathroom-after-drunken-puking cot in the bathroom.
dude, she was giving me a lapdance and her thong had a skid mark. no I did not hit it.
Wait time out. Did I start last night with pants?
I made two strippers play rock paper scissors to see who would give me a lap dance last night
This is working out surprisingly well considering it started out with us using a christmas tree as a battering ram
The only image of you you know is from reflections or pictures. Its 2d. But what other people see is 3d. How do you know that's your real face! MIND.BLOWN.
I have a breathe right strip stuck to my forehead, several inexplicable bruises and I think someone tried to paint my nails with glue, but I still have my Santa hat. I'm gonna call this one a success.
do i respond to the booty call for the guy with the bigger dick or the one who has the gourmet coffee i like so much? at this point i'm leading toward the coffee
i agree, on both the sex thing and the unrepentant bastard thing
I biked home blackout drunk last night, but I have some memory of throwing my bike in a rage when I couldnt get it down the stairs. No idea on the bright orange puke in the sink.
I told ya. I'm super awesome at making things super awkward. I'm the Awkwardnator.
THIS MOTHERFUCKING ROOSTER
IT KEEPS CHASING ME BACK IN THE HOUSE
FUCK THIS BIRD
I'm going to force her to break up with me this week. Tonight I plan to shit the bed. If that doesn't work I'm not sure what's next.
Well 1) stay calm 2) stay safe 3) drink more
Randomize
