I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
so i texed my mom when i was trashed last night and said "i know its 3 am, just go to bed and i'll be back by the time we leave for the airport"
i think a pirate just stole the rest of our fucking beer. what an appropriate costume.
What baked good do you think says thanks for being a great tutor, lets bang?
Alright, my brain isn't sure how to properly function on a Wednesday with no hangover and more than 3 hours of sleep.
OK! No more randoms over for the next month this is the third fucking time I caught a naked dude drinking my OJ in the middle of the night.
No more Raisinettes before sex. That's what happened. I just put it together
I put chex mix in your purse for when you get hungry while doing your walk of shame tomorrow!
From one hot mess to another... Get it together.
Well, my mom found the ball gag and whip. Looks like I'm never going home again.
I'm too pretty to go to jail. Especially in Louisiana.
I don't know how I got home but I'm pretty sure the guy in my closet had something to do with it
For a second I thought he was going to give me an intervention
You can't give interventions in a bar!
Sorry you uh had to see that last night. That's the problem with open fields, no privacy...
i don't think the phrases "so shitty" & "taking care of my newborn" should be combined in the same sentence. leave it to her to make it possible eh?
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