after last night, i judge her for not breaking up with me
She was ugly to the point i wanted to brush my teeth after looking at her
Last night drunk me texted a sure to be hungover me my class schedule and locations for today. I'm like a mom preparing her child for the first day of school
I lost my virginity in that bed. You just layed in history.
She asked me why there was $2 in the lunchmeat drawer of the fridge and BBQ sauce all over the kitchen... I'm not sure but I know it has something to do with you
I just remembered how awesome your handjobs were in 7th grade, you were a true champ, thank you
I'm gonna need you to NOT let me play duck duck goose with three racoons in the middle of the street next time.
not much sitting here stoned eating my little sisters halloween candy and judging each individual hersheys candy bar and after much deliberation by the selection committee the original hersheys chocolate bar won
I spent 10 minutes contemplating condensation on grapes this morning.
Just when I thought he had turned a new leaf, I see a "Let me get you pregnant" shirt in his closet
Chose not to courtesy flush and the CEO huffed the result. I feel powerful.
There is a high pitched squealing noise coming from somewhere in my house. I hope it's a gas leak cause I'm over this week man.
Never start off a conversation with "speaking of STD's..."
A respectable fucking: good but like I don't want to get kicked out of my hotel room
Everyone in Columbus is two degrees of separation from my vagina.
Randomize
