Now that the fun of having an iPhone has worn off I find that using screen as a coke tray is by far my favorite app
I just offered a homeless man a meal from McDonald's, and he replied "I don't eat McDonald's food". That is the epitome of "begger's can't be choosers."
These old people don't even realize they're giving me weed money for shoveling snow.
just got carried INTO the bar by 4 people. it's like watching my weekend in reverse.
100% of annual heatstroke fatalities are preventable deaths! Don't let it happen to you! Also, you can catch crabs from almost anything! Be safe and have fun.
Well girls crying gets you hard so you're not really a good standard to me
We still on for coffee?
Cream and sugar. Deliver to planned parenthood in 45.
I'm pretty sure the bus driver knew how hung over I was and hit all the pot holes on purpose. I threw up into my water bottle.
This is like the best thing that's ever happened to us. We're getting paid to sit around get high and eat. There is a Jesus
I got head this morning from the 31-year-old version of Jenn. It was like a blow job from the future while a simultaneous blast from the past for 10 minutes.
He said bring my breathalyzer and Anna's pepper spray, I didn't ask questions
Why do I always end up with closet ICP fans?
There they were doing the deed on the beach, looked like two seagulls fighting over a chicken bone.
okay yeah but you've seen me eat jambalaya naked
Like how do you live your life and have never made a grilled cheese? The audacity of some people
Randomize
