: I need to find myself a plastic surgeon husband so i can get boobs.
but u need boobs to get one in the first place.
Tell me I did not drive one hour for whiskey dick.
You gave him head? He fingered you? A little bit of make out?
WHAT THE FUCK ITS LIKE YOU WERE THERE
P.S. I can't hear my feet
it was all downhill after the free blackjack taco
Whoever decided putting Tom Seizmore and Heidi Fleiss together in rehab should win some kind of award.
just looked up how to break up with someone nicely on google. glad to know im not the only one who looks up this shit.
didn't know how to tell his mom I was confused about how long we'd been together because we banged for a full year before making it official
she got to the point every few minutes she checked to see if her boobs were still there.
I should just black out in my front yard again- that was a great nights sleep.
He told me the color of his piss. Worst. First date. Ever.
I drunkenly transformed into shehulk last night and lifted every single guy off the ground bc one guy told me that there was no way I was strong enough. Don't worry, I proved them wrong. Stupid stereotypical men.
I can't help you right now because I'm shaving my feet...like a lady.
Did I penguin dive down a hill last night?
I have just discovered the land of milk and honey. and by milk i mean vodka and by honey i mean tequila.
Randomize
