i only hope i can top last weeks sext session
Just saw 3 10-year olds in business suits drinking iced coffees at the cafe. I'm officially a failure if these kids have jobs and I don't.
dude, i have to cancel tonight, my neighbor just bought a goat
I just picked up my chili cheese fries off the ground ate them, and then licked up the cheese that was still on the concrete. Thank you Jagerbombs
The sorority chicks were the Persian army, and we were their 300 Spartans. Can barely stand up now...such a good ratio
We lost a condom inside me, I had to fish it out. The next day he gave me a Gone Fishin' bumper sticker. True love at its finest.
Whatever she smells like compost and feathers.
I believe they call that patchouli.
My motherfucking vibrator ran out of batteries right when I was about to orgasm. It's like he's possessed everything sexual in my life and has compelled it to NOT SATISFY ME.
Blood everywhere...karaoke was nice
who orders an old fashioned in 2014? even my Grandparents think you're an asshole.
I should not be this drunk in a place where a girl is wearing a princess dress
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
If he refers to me as slump buster one more fucking time.
he drove over two hours to fuck me and came in 3 minutes. he got mad when I asked him if it was worth it...
Update: my mom just told someone to shut up and suck her dick
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