New requirements. My future husband must have a nose ring and wear headbands.
We are no longer friends.
she was so "full of love" from watching twilight that she came over and gave me a handjob. when does the next movie come out?
i don't remember it, but i know we had sex because my stuffed animals were facing the wall
She vajazzled her vag. It was as useless as putting earrings on chewbacca
the realtor just asked me if i've ever made meth on this property.... i need to do something about my hair
If it was designed to hold water, it was designer to hold wine
Her fucking playlist had randy newman on it. It was like woody was watching the whole time.
I just put on my phone calendar to remind me of my final child support payment in 2029
No, I'm just drunk and was excited cause a hot stranger bought me tacos.
I told her I was going to masterbate myself into a coma... We have another date on Thursday.
I would have rather been getting my vagina slowly waxed all day then be here.
i can believe you didnt get any, i was wing-girling the shit out of him
all you did was repeatedly scream GET IT IN
I knew it was all downhill from there when the straight vodka I was drinking tasted like water.
Just threw up in a cup driving down the road because there was cop behind me and I didn't want to pull over. Not sure if winning or failing at life.
Mandatory face masks - finally, a solution for lip augmentation failures and bad breath.
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