Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?
I guess what I'm trying to say is you've fucked more people than the economy.
in spanish class. the girl next to me asked what Galapagos were. i told her they were islands. now she thinks Galapagos means islands in spanish
Every day I regret the life decisions that led me to bank management and NOT being a coke addicted stripper. Every. Single. Day.
please just be careful, i just switched my facebook status to "in a relationship", i would look really pathetic if i had to change it back to "single" already
no. you're not making a beach trip out of my abortion.
u kept pointing at random guys and making quacking or mooing sounds.
some girl at the bar told me my beard would tickle every inch of her body till she joy puked her face off.... that was so random and odd i just had to buy her a drink for having the guts to say it to me. WTF
Any chance you used one if the curtain rods in the fireplace room as a sword? One is missing
I sliced my fucking arm open last night after margarita madness and had to drive myself to the ER. Got six stitches and a social worker came in and asked if I was abused due to my sex bruises. I literally had to tell her "don't worry, I like it rough"
Dude, I passed out on the side walk, lost my phone and shirt, and walked 12 miles home after I disappeared from the club
I don't want sex or anything I just really need someone to appreciate how shiny my hair is
Hey do you remember me?
You were a giant banana.... how could I forget.
I vaguely remember ordering a water at some point last night. It's good to know drunk me can still be responsible.
I may have dislocated my hip getting fucked on the bathroom counter
Randomize
