Dude you just kept yelling "She was my first asain!" right in front of her.
Just took a celebratory "i havent slept with anyone in this bar" shot. yesssss....
then again I'm sitting on a tree stump completely naked in the dark listening to some type of glee soundtrack.
in respone to your voicemail you left me on saturday, yes i had gone to bed and no i was not still drinking at 5am
you picked up the vacuum cleaner at one point and said you we gonna beat the shit out of me with it. that was kinda funny
ATTENTION ALL CONTESTANTS OF SLUTFEST 2012 ; not only will we be judging on how many penis you have sucked but also girth and length will be calculated. If you are found lying you will be disqualified. Remember your fellow participants will be rendering the same services to probably the same people. So choose wisely and let the games begin!
I can motorboat myself in this new push-up bra. I need to go out tonight.
Also, nothing screams "don't talk to me because I'm unstable" like walking around eating cookie dough out of the package.
Realized we were outta oj used gerber graduates mixed fruit juice as a mixer. Mother of the Year award right here
She asked how many sexual partners I'd had and I was like "Honestly I don't even know". And then she said "well last time you said 8." And my inner monologue busted out laughing and I was like "Oh I'd say like 11 or 12.....plus 20."
I've entered the world of uncircumcised penises. It's disgusting.
Even blacked out me knows not to sleep with socks on
My vagina feels like a chupacabra ripped me apart using its mythological set of needle pointed teeth
Yesterday I went home with one shoe, today I go home with three. Fucking win.
I was about to break it off with him because I realised he only wanted me for sex, until I realised that I only wanted HIM for sex. Win/win
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