failed my one goal of the day: wake up before 2 pm.
Just witnessed a circumcision at clinical. i suddenly feel a sense of reconciliation over every guy who's done me dirty...
I'll just dance on top of the ping pong table, and if it's stable enough for that, then it's stable enough for sex
She is singing the swedish chef song and throwing utensils. I love this place
It's official. Hawaii is 100% better when you're stoned.
My entire summer has consisted of being too drunk for this shit, too sober for this shit, or too hungover for this shit.
Happy meals everywhere. I think Ronald McDonald Claus visited.
you said "how could you not want to hook up with me when I have these abs" and then proceeded to rip your shirt off in the middle of the bar. I'm pretty sure you were hammered.
JESUS
All I've consumed in the last 24 hours is cranberry vodka and kosher for passover biscotti
That's what happens when you party with the tribe
Why do I feel like I need to drink to feel better about the things I do when I'm drunk
I'm out of milk so I'm dunking my Oreos in Bailey's; this is my life now.
I apologize that you just fell victim to my random thought of how to make a blow job come to life via emojis.
as I was leaving in the morning with his clothes on his roommate pops up and goes 'don't you dare steal that shirt, i gave it to him for his birthday'.
I think i got my first booty call. it was like she came to my house. sex. leave.
Congratulations. Welcome to the wonderful world of quick dirty secret sexy time.
thanks... i think. haha
I stopped telling people I'm a pansexual unless they ask first, really tired of explaining what that means.
Randomize
