I thought the fact that I took home a 42 year old with 3 kids would excuse my tardiness this morning because my boss is also 42 and has 3 kids. Boy was I wrong.
A guy on the street just growled at me and said damnnnn. Sometimes it scares me how attractive i am.
How come the only thing we can do right in our lives is drugs?
whats a positive sounding word for "exploit"?
I just did my online traffic school at the bar. No biggie.
She said we should all be mermaids since didn't breathe for 9 months inside our mothers. I want her logic.
Houston, we have a blender
WHY IN THE FUCK DID YOU LET ME DRUNK PUNCH STEVE? HE IS SUCH A NICE GUY!
I literally farted midsex as a siren for him to get the fuck off me.. No such luck.
Do you think accidently including this month's Credit Card statement in my application will keep me from getting into grad school?
Depends ... when did you purchase your vibrator?
Last time I was your wingman I had to deal with a girl whose only interest in my body was to clip my toenails. I'm not interested.
New discovery: your vibrator works on my balls. Technology is wonderful I love the future
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
IF YOU DIE ON LSD YOU DIE FOR REAL
Dude I had sex with her and she STILL thinks I'm gay. I don't know what else to do.
Randomize
