Who did Billy Mays play for?
Woke up. Made a pizza. Burnt it. Going back to bed cuz today sucks
my ex just saw me in his brothers bed. fuck yes revenge feels good
You need to tell your booty call to take some sudafed or something. I swear I thought you were humping Kermit the frog last night
So even though we broke up apparently according to my voice mail you still like me, with smurfs while riding on a boat.
Went to the strip club with my aunt. Do you know how hard it is to be a pervert in front of your female family members?
Yo, go checkout Kerri's Instagram quick! There's like 12 pics of her fucking some guy in a bar's bathroom. GO GO GO GO!!!!
Whoever put the rooster in the elevator is my fucking hero. Who even thinks of that shit?
I was drunk while I accepted my job offer. Here's to growing up.
We need to talk about your improper dealings with the town drug dealer.
You tried crawling through the apartment window instead of going through the wide open door next to it
That female nurse who took a selfie with my man parts well I was out of it just got fired and arrested... You know all she had to do was ask lol
She drunkenly texted me about Japanese mythology at four AM. I think I’m in love.
"hahahaha" is not a sufficient reply when I tell you my mother laughed at a joke about me giving blowjobs.
Okay, but that still doesn't explain all the glitter in my puke.
Randomize
