I misunderstood what a threesome is. Please come pick me up.
I don't know what's worse, the fact that my parents own a sex swing or the fact that my little cousin was playing on it
Because it is about to snow, I sent him for Diet Coke and cigarettes. It's the gay version of milk and bread.
When I finally got there you were bleeding all over and you just kept saying over and over that the dog was your only friend at the party.
Never visiting again. You guys drink like immortals
I take pleasure in knowing how many gallons of booze we've put away in comradery.
I think we should measure in "bathtubs"
I was wondering why he was in my phone as "Cat Guy", he seemed pretty normal. Then when we woke up he was wearing a shirt with a picture of his cat on it. The name stays.
Aw don't be embarrassed. It was all good fun! We've all been there. You can't come to vegas and NOT get a little alcohol poisoning. That's like going to church and not praying.
I can't believe I came last night staring into my profile pictures eyes.
so i EARNED it!?! i EARNED dying alone with cats!!?
How do I go about this? "Hey, its my birthday in 40 minutes. Would you like to come over for some sex? Also, please bring snacks"?
I added our drug dealer to the quickbooks software babe, he is listed under vendor's as an expense category... money management is such a bitch...
Some guy at the bar last night bought us Arrowhead water and I was so drunk, it tasted good
My vibrator broke.
Dude it's been less than twelve hours. Did you sleep?
Don't worry about that. I need a new vibrator.
At least your wife cheated on you. Women will feel bad for you. In a month there will boy bands that are jealous of your dick
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