Not a fireman, but good enough for last night.
my goal in life is to wake up with my underwear on
So what do you think the policy is on vomit in rental cars? do I have to clean that up or is that part of the service I'm paying for?
he's only going to be home for two days, his dick is going to be in me for the whole 48 hours, he doesnt have a choice.
at what point did you think saran wrap was a better alternative to shoes?
remind me to get a blood sugar test this week. I'm pretty sure I'm a mojito away from diabetes.
There's a middle eastern man wearing a cow costume with tequila coming out of his udders, but I'm not sober enough to feel uncomfortable with it.
Smoked all day yesterday and even more today. Just survived high dinner with mom and sister. Thought I might eat the whole table
I dropped my keys into the toaster and felt it push down as I pulled them out. Couldn't stop thinking it was a bad idea the whole time.
I still don't know how you've lived this long.
You know you're too drunk when you start calling people out for unfollowing you on social networks.
I can't wait to shower all this regret off of me
Please come over. It's a pajama and burn-2016-in-effigy party
I let a 30 year old guitar player that works at a call center go down on me in his backseat last night
If you can wrestle my underwear off of me, you can top. It'll be like using an amulet in Legends of the Hidden Temple. Instead of not getting captured, you don't get fucked in the ass.
Sorry you saw my balls. Pregame includes a lot of shaving.
Randomize
