I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
I mistook a propane tank for a keg.
Nah you can have him. There's too many men in my life right now. I can't handle another dick.
cheating on your boyfriend is the best diet ever, I've barely eaten in days. The guilt is killing me
She told me she's going to buy a projector so she can watch porn on her ceiling...I'm telling you man this chick is going places
Dude she gave you head while I was in the closet, we've passed the "awkward" phase.
fat chick, vomit on the dog, and three unidentifiable pills in my ear. all in the same ear. what the hell happened after the guests showed up?
He said he wanted to make me his Twinkie, "filled with his delicious cream." ABSOLUTELY 100% NO YOU MAY NOT REPEAT ****NOT**** GIVE HIM MY NUMBER EVER EVER EVER. Please confirm receipt and full comprehension of this message.
OH DEAR GOD. He looks like if u licked him he'd taste like bourbon, sex and sunshine.
It's Saturday night and I'm sitting on my couch by myself, watching Glee, and drinking gin and tonics. If you listen very closely, you can hear the wails of my mother giving up hope that I will ever give her a son-in-law.
Do I like my job? I just bought 1/2 oz of pot from my supervisor at work. At a discount. And he said, "pay me whenever."
Tell her this is the Disneyland of penises.It's a magical place everyone should visit once in their life.
Next time a party gets busted lets get a group photo first.
Had to decide between a hook up at the train restroom or getting to work on time #growingup
I met his parents. We played twister. My boob popped out.
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