i just used the Cadillac of toilet papers. For a minute i actually forgot i was even wiping my ass....i thought i was floating butt first into heaven
Teenaged girls are God's best work and the Devil's best tool. Remember that my friend.
just took a pee in my own yard...decided i had to poo..only got a dingle berry....wiped it away with my finger..help me...my mom AND dad are home.
Life is so much better when you know you're gonna get laid soon.
while we were having sex she stopped and said, "god is always watching". Then she started again with no other words said. We were fucked up.
I just made bacon chili cheese fries for dinner...someday my kids are going to realize I'm a stoner & this will all make sense
Please tell me you're throwing the cats into this foot of snow.
They invented the twister shot game. You put a shot on each circle, take it when you land on it, and if you fall, they funnel the mat and make you drink it. New best friends.
halloween is the only time that anne boleyn, the joker, a cowgirl, and a mexican man complete with sombrero and poncho can all hit the same blunt
I faked an orgasm during phone sex last night. This relationship is starting to become real.
At least I know that however bad my life gets and how low I can feel I'll never feel shitting in a red robin parking lot low
I sprayed his whole room with my perfume and left lots of my hair on the bed. So now if he does bring her home, the bitch will know this territory is marked.
Remembering you have vodka in the freezer gives the same surge of happiness as finding 20 bucks in a coat pocket.
She thinks I cheated on her 10 years ago in a past life lmao
It's a combination of amazing uncoordination, bad luck, and sheer determination to cause destruction wherever I go.
Randomize
