Just saw an old lady vomit in a trash can at the airport. I instinctively called her a pussy. College has ruined us.
I don't remember how we paid for the cab. I do however remember giving him my heels 2 help with the bill.
I found out what happened to my eye. I punched myself in the face.
She went dumpster diving. Found flourescent light bulbs, carpet samples and $15. We got a bottle of Popov, played star wars and threatened random people with the carpet. Get on our level.
I am making pancakes and watching Spongebob Squarepants. My life is a waste of youth.
Some guy wearing a horse mask just knocked on my door and started whinnying. I opened the door and he was like, "...oh sorry, wrong room..." so awk.
I'm seeing how long I can hold this wine in my mouth. I have so many adventures! I'm like Teddy Ruxpin!
Remember the bouncer that knocked out Dave and Sam? Apparently his day job is a florist. Uppercut and fresh cut in one package.
I'm like going proud parent over you doing drugs, this is so wrong.
he just cleaned his wound with pinnacle whipped
I'm sitting in Madison square park surrounded by children thanking god I took emergency contraception
Um I got a ride home from the bar with two random boys and one tried to bang me on my parents riding mower
Relax
It's hard to relax when a woman is waxing your asshole.
ps why does my dog smell like popcorn and a dryer sheet..?
I now have scissors specifically made for cutting dicks off.
Randomize
