somehow, due in part to drug cocktail and alchl prior to meeting, i blacked out, got home, made total mess of kitchen, broke shower, and made 17 hard boiled eggs
is it bad if my mug shot looks better than my profile picture?
So then I told him that only a restaurant managed by a florida fan could run out of ketchup
guess where i woke up this morning? If you guessed the hospital, you sir are correct.
It's a line of coke at 10 a.m. kind of Saturday. Don't be a pussy about life.
I hid a girl's boot last night so I could ransom it back this morning via the "blowjobs for boots" program.
How are you feeling?
Hungover as shit. Someone just knocked on my window to make sure I was alive. I have been sleeping in the drivers seat for an hour parked outside my store. That is how okay I am.
And then she said "wanna make a vine of me twerking on the wall?"
I really couldn't care less what she looks like. That's why The Lord Our God gave us doggy-style.
Ran out of deodorant. Febreze on a paper towel? Kicking college's ass.
I spent a good part of the night in a bear hat claiming I'd changed spieces
Wait are we really having an orgy on Tuesday?
Ugh im hungover from last night, and to top it all off, I think someone jacked my laptop.
umm ya, so we found it in the oven wrapped in a pillow case this morning
nothing like waking up to a voice mail saying your std test came back negative
I'm too picky for internet dating and by picky I mean psycho.
Randomize
