Lesson learned: don't hide your vodka in your little brothers toy box.
He finally admitted that he was drunk when I asked him how he got the rug burn on his chin and he replied "the worm contest"
We started playin just the tip, then shit got crazy
So I realized I'm not completely sober when the automatic toilet flushed and I screamed
You texted me 'I am the leopard prince', with a series of pictures of you posing in what seemed like cat poses. you were not "a little bit" drunk dude..
We're bowling witha frozen turkey in the hallway...ur missing out
I was at a bus stop, eating a load of bread. Fairly sure I'm the poster child for poor students.
I'm sure he'll make the rejection quick and completely justified.
The psychic I saw today told me NOT to text the guy I haven't heard from yet since our first date this weekend b/c it wouldn't go anywhere...Miller light said otherwise. Miller light > Cleo
If you want it you better put a ring on it. And by ring I mean one of my three favorite pies.
All I remember is sitting on your kitchen floor and playing with a banana like it was a viking ship.
All I have in my new place is coke and a treadmill.. it's workout Wednesday
My fridge door just caught on fire somehow.
I know you've been in hospital with meningitis, but last night I walked into a streetlight and bruised my penis so who's really suffering here
So the same great-aunt that told me to freeze my eggs for procreation just told me that I should strut around the dance floor b/c I'd get picked up.
I need to meet your family.
Randomize
