I met the friendliest cop last night
woke up naked, gf gone. There is a cup of change in the fridge, a bird in the bathroom, and odie is drawn on my ceiling. I live in a non sequitur
I have a feeling this won't be the last time I wake up wrapped in a shower curtain with the words "Blame Bono" spray painted on it
found my necklace. it was safe with all 6 boxes of peeps that i bought that night.
They sat at the bar while we waited for a table. When the hostess came to seat us, they were shitfaced, and swordfighting wth chop sticks.
I still can't believe he turned down that threesome with us in central park. He must be really committed.
At some point i could of swore that you were in my bedroom riding a manatee last night..... I like my new dealer
he signed me a blank check so today i get to decide if i want to be a saint or a millionaire
I think we've reached the point in the summer were we need to go back to school. I was so bored yesterday I nearly bought blow dart gun.
It's 11:50 on Friday the 13th. There's a full moon. AND the bride to be just puked on herself while getting a lap dance from a stripper named...wait for it....LUCKY. Is this real life?
Yeah, he hid all the toilet paper and took a video of me looking for it before I shit my pants. Definitely playing that clip at our wedding.
Do you think I could use my teacher of month Award to get free drinks?
If I ever drink whiskey again make sure I don't eat the plastic cups that I'm drinking them from.
Kay so its 9 am whose dumbass is gunna act sober to buy pizza rolls
Dude you promised
we went to go have morning sex and I said “I was gonna put my mouth on it but you need to shower”#ruinedthemoment
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