You remember correctly you did get a golf cart ride out but it wasnt because you were special. You were so smashed you were screaming tiger at random golfers in the middle of there backswing.
She fell onto my light and broke all four plants. I don't care how good the blowjob was.
I need to talk about my life with someone. Preferably with someone who hasn't tried to jizz on me
Do you have any idea how hard it is to concentrate on legal issues with the ghost of his giant penis in me?
this is getting really bad. i thought the chandelier in the dining room was one of those claws from the claw games in an arcade and i spent the past five minutes jumping left to right so the claw wouldn't grab me
omg just made cake vodka jello shots, sooooo excited
dear god these taste like death. death and sprinkles
Downloaded the Pocket Penguin app. There are now penguins living in my phone. Technology is wonderful.
I was just shot with a dart gun by one of my coworkers while walking to the printer. Ironically I was printing my resignation letter...
One day, I might be old and married wishing I could bang everyone... and that'll be a problem. So I feel in my heart it's something I need to do.
Why does everyone always assume I'm fucking their boyfriends?
You are fucking her boyfriend.
Who wants to play the "pick up your shit from our floor because you're not paying rent or dating either of us" game?
Tequilla is a sneaky bitch ninja that doesn't kick in until you least expect it. Then BAM! You're peeing in unconventional places.
Sometimes, it’s important to take a moment and kinkshame yourself.
Fuck my life... Im so horny Im gonna take it out on this sandwich
QUICK FAX ME THE BALL
Not how faxing works at all btw
Randomize
