I need a creepy friend to scare off the other creepy people
I would be honored to be that friend.
the only good thing about these hospital visits are the free pregnancy tests
How was the bike ride?
Nope. High in the basement. Fruit cups.
Xanax and allergy medicine look a lot alike when you spill them on the floor. Just saying that I still have allergies but I'm unsure if I still have legs
She talked about nothing but beanie babies for 45 minutes. I'm never getting high with her again.
I just imagined your drunkass eating Taco Bell in my living room. This is the Godmother of my potential child.
And you kept repeating "I didn't know know that this was a no blow job zone."
Is it penis luge time yet?
WHEN DID YOU SAY YOU COME BACK BC I GOT INVITED TO A KEG WAR PARTY
I've never seen a dude bust out of his jacket and rock an air banjo like u
Why is there puke in my guitar?
Because you puked in your guitar.
I am at a new level of appreciation for drunk-you, who threw up into her own sweatshirt pocket last night in the car. Brava.
Sarah is throwing up still and I'm eating salad with my fingers
He walked around my apt complex completely naked and started peeing in the maintenance because he thought it was the bathroom. So yeah, pretty drunk.
I’ll call you in a minute. Trying to book an AirBnB so I can finally bang the yummy guy from yoga
Your downward dog is going to rock his cock. I’m jealous
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