Seriously dude, you need to stop beating off to the ellen show, it's just weird.
I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
I have not carelessly put myself in herpes way since I got a clean bill of health tyvm.
Also, what is a socially acceptable way to introduce a crossbow in public?
I didnt realize how badly my legs were scratched up from power-fucking him in the bushes until kate dumped a bottle of vodka on me. that shit burnedddd
Felt like shit, jerked off, felt ten times better. Being a guy rules. It's like I got all the demons out in 5 minutes.
Just successfully invited my mom to a drag show. If that doesnt say "im gay" then idk what will.
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
Something about being drunk at 1pm chasing seagulls on the beach while it's raining is very calming
So I'm about to drive his drunk ass home and he spits on my car. Before I can say, "Dude, what the fuck?!", he puts his finger to my lips and goes "shhh, its in the past."
I beer bonged before it even hit 4 o' clock. Please get on my level homecoming style.
his first fb message to me in 3 years was "is your cock open for business?" im blocking him
We are taking a shrt nap on the sidewalk cme fine me if you want but dont wake me up
Apologies that our conversations always turn to butt sex or penis size. I thought we out grew that in our 20's.
I have cats now. Five of them.
Have you considered starting a global domination firm?
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