Last night while we were having sex, 'God bless the USA' started playing on his itunes. He came almost immediately... so awkward.
hey in girl talk does "want to come over tonight and have some beers with me?" mean i want wiener?
so then they started chanting "LET'S GET A LITTLE BIT SCHWASTED. S-H-W-...WASTED!" theres nothing like partying with former high school cheerleaders
Blonde 1 is sitting on the floor crying and blonde 2 is asleep with her face in the toilet. This isn't what I had in mind when they asked me back
then he tried to convert me to islam
As i lay in bed, clutching my face, i'm starting to believe your dick in my eye story.
Omg considering I am covered in cake and probably cocaine that is the greatest news I have ever heard
Cops are just so fun an beautifuk
I was galloping around pretending to give birth to pbrs. I could have used a mask.
Son of a bitch took my liquid eyeliner
ever bang a guy wearing an $800 suit? today you will.
I feel like this is something I should shave my legs for
Beyoncé wouldn't let anything bad happen here
just the thought of you slurpin down noodles really rustles my jimmy
you suck at sexting
You punched me in the face while blackout. 20 min later I told you I'd been punched in the face and you yelled 'by who, imma go kill 'em!'
beach body workouts will consist of dancing and cocaine, and sugar free redbull
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