I had to puke in a pizza box on the drive home. People saw.
he was on top of me and all of a sudden stopped and starting picking his nose...i asked him if he was okay, he sort of looked confused, and he told me he had a booger that hurt. guess its a good thing i wasnt planning on dating this guy
planned parenthood is perfect for picking up chicks...they all put out
Baconater + red wine = first meal of the day
my dad just referred to me and my boobs as 'the three of you'
Holy shit. This 2 year old just told me her nipples were for her boyfriend. Hello future leaders of america
If court goes my way we are flying to Vegas.
You say you're gonna take rehab seriously... but i keep imagining it as a training montage for you preparing to snort all of columbia.
That actually is really sweet of you
She's dipping the chocolate graham crackers in marshmallow vodka for a 'campfire taste'
captain cockblock got me again last night so i put a squirrel in his room and jamed the door shut
THERE ARE SO MANY ALCOHOLS IN MY BLOOD RIGHT NOW
Last night at the bar you we're seriously going up to people and pushing through them like they were bowling pins and you were a bowling ball
Hey, you can never be fully sure you're straight until you jerk off to gay porn
There is a moment when you wake up with a butt plug in when you question your choices in life.
There is also a moment when you wake up in a kiddie pool of jello cubes where you question what the fuck you did last night. Are you still in the attic or did you go home.
I think I accidentally got a sugar daddy but I was already planning on sleeping with him so I’m going to see where this goes
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