He made me stop in the middle of giving him a blowjob so he could go get his glasses. because he "wanted to see". I need to stop dating nerds.
Her boyfriend was hitting on other girls while drunk. But, she said she was okay with it because she is a feminist and she supports all women's decisions.
unfortunetly they frown upon drunk on duty paramedics
She called him at 5 AM so that he'd be ready for her birthday breakfast and drinks at 6. This is why people don't need to wait until their 21st to have their first drink.
Weirdly I'm doing ok, but I've tested positive for chlamydia, I wanted to let you know
No. I'm drinking straight up vodka right now. With a pineapple in it.
That'll put some boobs in that bra.
If you asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be today, I can pretty much guarantee I wouldn't have replied with "buying hemorrhoid cream on Bourbon St at 7am"
My last google search is "how to build a flamethrower"
I raged so hard that I was so hungover today I threw up out of a car window going 50mph cause my parents didn't pull over quick enough ...sorry to the people behind us
My left boob kept making random appearances last night.
Ok I'm drunk as fuck already at 529 and this waitress started flirting with me, I wanna bang her for acknowledging my existence
I couldn't even tell you how many times I've said "wrong hole" today
It's barely past noon, how am I already talking about double penetration
Aiming to get laid tonight but if it falls thru I'm either gonna make a mixtape for my sugar daddy or sew a teddy bear for his newborn
Imagine we only get one cock for the rest of your life. I’d pick his dick. That good!
Randomize
