Lets drop out of school and be professionally skinny and drunk
The cops found weed in michael jacksons house today...it makes up for the child molesting, I like him more now.
we screwed to my bar mtzvah tape, I became a man while watching myself becom a man
Her vagina smelled like bad decisions
she used her one phone call to ask me about my day
I mean I drunk but not enough to handle a Scientology convention
He wanted to drink hypnotic from my butt crack. I need to move out this state.
First of all you're supposed to say "you're not fat". And second of all never ever deprive me of nachos.
A girl just asked me if we had pregnancy tests and a coworker had to stop me from telling her I was a pregnancy test. THAT is why I don't drink at work.
I woke up with chocolate melted between my tits. I'd say that's a win for all parties involved.
Got out of the uber to projectile vomit in the McDonald's drive thru. Gonna take a break from the Cuervo for a while.
If they start to date again I refuse to help her sext him. Helping my mom sext my dad is where I draw the line.
I want to conceive our bastard child on an athletic field. Why can't we make this happen?
Best news I’ve heard all day. Cookies and dick. What more could a girl ask for?
The only thing good about being back at work is the lunch time hand jobs from the MILF
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