I'm playing musical beds - it's not very fun
i feel like barbie the morning after an elton john party
He's at the gym. He likes to get high and swim cause it makes him feel like a fish.
We're the kind of people who ruin family vacations
I don't care what anyone says I want strippers at my funeral.
whoever set the energy saving light timer in the lobby bathroom cleraly has no concept how long a work dump takes
I'm pretty sure my moms getting nailed in the bathroom right now while I'm chaperoning. God damn it.
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
How bad is it if you swallow a really small piece of glass? Be optimistic if possible I'm anxious about it.
I plan on having so much gay sex in our house while you gone.
Curdled. you forgot that word. It was a curdled buttery nipple shot.
Woke up with 5 texts apologizing from a number I named "guy who elbowed me in face"
I just wanted a bootycall and now somehow I'm at his parents playing dominoes. But they have tequila so it's cool
He looked so uninterested when the stripper was slapping him. Now his roommates are harassing me about how crazy our sex must be.
Let's do something tonight. I feel like setting things on fire.
Randomize
