I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
some girl that im facebook friends with has H1N1, im scared to even go to her facebook page
There is a contact in my phone named "Bar Mcntysu." this is why we need a third person to go out with us.
TO ALL WHO WERE IN MY HOUSE LAST NIGHT: WHOEVER STOLE MY BONG AND PUT IT ON THE ROOF WILL BE PAYING MY HOSPITAL BILL FROM LAST NIGHT.. AND BUYING ME A NEW, SWEETER BONG.
finding an unopened condom on the ground can really change your outlook on the night
Security deposit gone.
burned down garage with fireworks.
Apparently hitting a bong with your mouth half numb is hilarious but frustrating!
Woke up to the frozen soundtrack blasting in the living room best one night stand ever
About 98% sure I just walked by some dude jerking it in the library. I'm guessing his college experience isn't going as planned
think before you get married my friend it's my birthday and just got done jacking off
No no. Thank you. Killed multiple birds with one penis.
you bounced a quarter off my butt and it came back hitting you in the eye. karma, bitch.
Can I bother you for a second.
You always bother me but go on.
when I said eat the rich I didn't mean like that but here we are sucking that capitalist dick
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