Your an asshole
Actually, it's "you're an asshole"
My point exactly
What are you wearing to our high school reunion?
I don't know, What kind of dress says "I feel sorry for you people?"
I envy you so much. I get girls who pee on my floor and you get girls who leave in the middle of the night
No, I didn't like him that much. But I took one for the team. And by the team I mean me and my vagina.
Saw the college gyno today. It has now been medically confirmed that I have a perfect vagina.
after she pushed someone down the stairs to get more vodka we lost her for a while and found her on the pole in the garage pouring water on herself
so i guess now we know you can get away with peeing mere feet from the Capitol if you shout IM PREGNANT at the guards
Too many penises have met your hands. Stop or die.
well after pounding on the ceiling for 5 mins i just went up there to tell them to shut up.. 2 hours later i'm naked, high, lying on their kitchen floor. it escalated so quickly
Are you still feeling it? I'm in the bathtub. The water doesn't work but it's okay because I'm wearing pants.
It's okay I missed my booty call by two whole minutes so I decided to delete him from my phone and then re-add him as "I am a douchelord"
If I get one more "oh yaaaaa he changed your oil" texts, I'm gonna lose my shit
In other news, the one guy I DIDN'T have sex with in High School is now famous.
my ex logged me out of his netflix so im gonna fuck his bestfriend as revenge
these past three weeks have been a real "fuck you" to my liver
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