when you find your car can you pick me up? his mom is here and im hungover
Awesome. Ask her out.
Nope. She's got a detail of ed hardy security around her.
apparently, it's not a good idea to make jokes about sending newborns through airport security xrays. the moms dont see the humor.
But why'd she put it on the conveyor then?
its awkward enough using a urinal next to your dad but its worse finding out hes one of the guys who goes no hands and moans it out
Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
I woke up this morning with a bag of pepperonis in my bed.... and my facebook status was "pepperonis"
I think need to divide my DVD collection into "movies I've seen" and "movies I've only seen during sex"
Stealing vibrators from Walmart together was when I realized you'd be my Maid of Honor.
But it's a terrible idea. One erection and it's gonna go wrong
I was just the victim of a drive by judging in a horse and buggy.
The fuck? Where?
St. Mary's. Amish people. Too high for this.
Apparently we stole a dog last night. I woke up and it was just staring at me. But we fed it left over KFC for breakfast so it's cool.
Never thought having a box of Cheerios could get me laid. My new lucky charm hello girl in 2B
How will you ever teach your dogs to pee outside when the biggest puddle on your bedroom carpet is from you?
I really don’t want to have kids.
I thought we agreed we were done with dirty talk for the day
That is priceless. You walk into her house, fuck her husband and demand Chinese food. Your an inspiration to us all.
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