he asked me what things i liked that he did in bed, and i told him all the things i hated so he would use it on that new bitch and she wouldnt hook up with him anymore.
you for real need to get over him dude
i just threw up a quarter into the urinal in the bathroom at the bar. everybody else stared then cheered. that drunk
At what point are you a chubby chaser or just desperate for sex?
I ended up with a gash in my head from drunken dancing last night. I love life.
She just looked at him and said "I'm gonna fuck that" and it totally worked.
She wont be able to take it all. I'll use a shoe horn to get it in if I have to.
Kid sitting next to me smells like he slept in a dutch oven full of farts. Going to die.
Apparently unused tampons can also double as things to bite down on during public sex to prevent screaming...
Remember when I said "no boyfriend, no problems"? I lied. Tequila. Tequila is a problem.
You'd be proud! I didn't lose my id this time... It got confiscated
You were so proud of your stupid "magic trick" but all you did was piss on the couch. don't talk to me for a few days.
Its mothers day, andI woke up with 12 bar stamps on my face, holding orange juice and a box of tampons. This can not be happening
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... Men can be so sensitive...
Hey, sorry for threatening to teabag your mom to death last night
you missed a good time last night.
you texted me at 10 telling me to come fuck you, that says enough.
Randomize
