My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
i keep telling myself in the mirror "get undrunk"
I just went to a subway where the girl didn't know how to make a blt. I will not miss public school texans.
I'm walking down the halls of our hotel and listening for sex noises and knocking when I do.
If I die tonight, I want you to know that your sister is awesome in bed
so im goin to clemson & my drug dealers goin to penn state. this is the hardest breakup EVER.
a small fire erupted but we put it out with a can of beer so everything's fine
Not sure if jager bombs can cure tuberculosis, but its a theory im testing as we speak
Bullshit. No way. If I brushed past your penis it was completely coincidental.
She gave me head while using a laptop on my stomach to go online. I've never seen a better feat of multitasking.
He broke hus nose arm jousting with the traffic cones... We need to make head shots illegal or get helmets or something
Ugh..Yesterday was a complete alcohol fueled shit show. Not making eye contact with anyone today. Don't deserve it. Eye contact is for decent people.
CSI Miami is on and the guy is trying to save this woman who got shot. By stripping off his shirt & belt. THE WOMAN NEEDS YOUR PANTS OFF TOO
We got banned from that Whataburger for life. WHATABURGER. Which is saying something. They deal with drunk dumbasses every night.
Tequila happens.
I have to have boobs, you have the charm and wholesomeness that gets boyfriends... And i have boobs
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