My sheets at my parents place are clean. No braveheart but I can paint myself, yell "freedom", and sword fight you with my cock. So come over.
Marriage: a sacred union between one man and one woman, and another woman in Argentina.
Here's an idea...how about I take shots by myself and drunk dial you around noon?
it appears as though my vagina has gotten the best of me again
obviously my correlation between being a pro surfer and being extremely good in bed was 100% wrong.
All I can think about is getting a lawsuit and chocolate
im standing in line right now while the 711 manager calls other locations to see if they have the john cena collectors slurpee cup in stock...yep i need to get laid
Well this lady at the bar told me I was a natural on the tambourine and that it was my God given talent. and then she gave me a tambourine.
Ok fuckface listen up and listen good. 1.calling dibs on a chick out of your league is like applying for a job with a highlight video 2. dont fucking ski down the stairs again 3. if you do, put it on your highlight video
I am too drunk to be out in this weather around all these animals.
I told her I wanted to use him as a chew toy while simultaneously licking his face.
Did she tell him? And if so, was he cool with it? If yes, date him, date the fuck outta him.
I'm not even pretending to study anymore. I'm straight up sleeping in the library
Handcuffs. Recoverd. I'm a goddamn detective.
I am sitting in my lingerie, eating frozen cookie dough out of a bowl, and watching family. My hump day is going great
The last I heard from her she said she was going to plant sunflowers, get drunk on white wine and listen to Everybody Wants to Rule the World on repeat.
Randomize
