Why are you at a bar in Connecticut?
Long story. One that now involves lots of delicious chicken wings om nom nom
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
No gym. Sooooo hung over. Just puked up the water I drank and it still has ice cubes in it.
you just kept yelling "siddle that plaza" til the cab driver said it back...
normally i would apologize for my drunk texting but even sober me agrees.
Meeting girls and telling em you have no hair on your calves is not an acceptable pick up line
I feel like, for the first time today, we had a healthy yolo.
Lets go hit some boners bro!
I appreciate the acceptance and inclusion, but that's not how we gay men talk.
I'll make some time for you! I don't know how long you need to get off, but I should only need 2-7 minutes, pending what kind of socks I have on.
I keep getting the feeling him and his friends are hilarious and we should drink whiskey together forever
That isn't the worst part. It got a bazillion times more awkward when he read me a poem he wrote about his dead cat.
It's official cum is not a great leave in conditioner
No one knows how to work that "I pulled a muscle in my leg" drunk swagger like you can
See I just want a dick that I don`t have to deal with or talk to unless it is inside me. Is that so much to ask for?
The lady in the stall next to me just screamed "why are you so hairy!?" and "why can't you get any!?" to her vagina. WTF
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