google image searching george stephanopoulos at 1 AM on a saturday night...once again
Sitting at a red light. Windows are down. I'm blasting Gaga's "Disco Stick" and doing an interpretive dance to it because I think I'm hilarious. Look to the left and see two Phi Delts that I know with their windows down. They are horrified. I am probably going to lose their Facebook friendships.
For what it's worth, your chances of anal go up the more she loves you. There's always a silver lining.
My drug dealer is spending the weekend in my studio apartment. I feel like I've crossed a line that should never be crossed.
You kept saying thank you to the automatic toilet as it flushed your puke.
Dude I broke my bong in half this morning. I kicked it as I was jerking off. I would never hide anything from you.
I'll throw in a blow job for your kind ways. Or another booty call. I'm poor and not very imaginative. This is all I have to offer- the unicorn like wonders of my vagina.
I just need to repress my desire to share my impressive chugging abilities with the world and I won't black out so much
That is true. Vodka is like a dog. Always loyal, warm, and there for you when you need it
Im crossing my legs while on the toilet. It's like I'm unconsciously thinking "if im going to barf and shit at the same time, Im at least going to do it LIKE A LADY"
his first act of 2015 was getting stabbed
I sent my roommate a text from MY phone that said, "I don't know where my phone is." Must've been a good night.
Never remove your contact lenses after eating an entire bag of spicy doritos.
i got pulled over completely sober but looking like death. dick cop made me do a field sobriety test. he also said "no sober person could have 7 BK bags"
You were painting for six hours and managed one four foot wall. "The Mellow Handyman" isn't a good business model.
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