WISH UPON A TAMPON
They constantly get farther than me.
tampons.
Okay I've seen like three girls walking around crying today. Weird?
everyone's regretting their thursdays.
i woke up surrounded by junior mints. not to mention, there was a huge pyramid of natty cans baracading the door shut. this is why i can't drink alone.
I spit up blood this morning
That's vegas.
The bruises are from paintball. The money is from me being awesome
If Dave says he's going to have sex with her, he's going to fuck her retarded and turn her crazy. So run.
You can't tell me you've honestly NEVER considered smoking a Froot Loop
I just had a great idea for an etsy shop. Sell all the shit bitches leave from one nighters
so I definitely just chased tequila shots with a biscuit covered in sausage gravy
Thats fucking manlier than riding a bear into battle
She asked how many sexual partners I'd had and I was like "Honestly I don't even know". And then she said "well last time you said 8." And my inner monologue busted out laughing and I was like "Oh I'd say like 11 or 12.....plus 20."
Just broke my no shot rule again.. Made out with a stranger. That's 0 for 3 this month for the record
I don't think anything is more terrifying than the thought that you might shit your pants in front of your boss
Ended up at the strip club, got told I should be a dancer 4 times, got free tacos and my hot TA slide in the dms. How was your night?
He walked into me masturbating to a framed picture of Bill Murray riding a t-rex
He’s disease free and drives a Porsche. What else does a girl need?
Randomize
