If she didn't want me to pass out in her bathroom, then she shouldn't have such a furry rug in there
Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
Slut skills are useful in every country.
my mom just cut me up lemons and limes so i would have some vitamins with my tequlia
I just don't understand how a line to ride a camel on a college campus could be too long for you to wait in.
WHAT THE FUCK JASON, WHY IS THERE A FREE BLOW JOBS BY LISA SIGN IN MY FRONT LAWN WITH MY PHONE NUMBER ON IT?! PEOPLE ARE PULLING INTO MY DRIVEWAY!
But wait then while giving his drive thru order he goes in mid sentence, "Hey baby it's Travis remember me?"
I am thankful for thumbs.
Because without thumbs, we would be dolphins.
Land dolphins.
He told me to take off work and bring a bathing suit. If this doesn't involve six flags hurricane harbor or sex in a hotel pool I'm going to be disappointed.
Btw...refried beans is a terrible thing to throw up.
Only time and a comprehensive case study of all of your relationships will tell.
Spent 38 bucks on dollar wells last night. I'm pretty sure my liver is staging a mutiny right now.
Sitting in the car eating a bagel. Watching a guy do tai chi in the parking lot. My morning is fabulous
You told everybody that you were a dragon and then projectile vomited all over the kitchen.
You claimed that someone else had vomited underneath you/on your hand
you were very insulted that we didn’t believe you that someone else vommed
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