This girl is very crazy
She's one of those compassionate ppl
So everything I said on this seemingly endless date offended her
You think the Elephant Man ever tried to pick up chicks claiming all his appendages were elephant-sized?
it turns out vodka filled condoms arent that funny
I'm on page 4.
Im on beer infinity
On a list of weird places to get a bj, how weird is in the basement of a pharmacy
I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
Last night we looked at each other with an expression of "fuck I am so done being normal", took off our shirts, and danced around in our bras
I just dropped a paperclip into my cleavage while talking to the company president... That's an awkward moment.
Did you at least offer to let him get it out??
It's an open bar. I'm gonna be gone when you get here.
Text me the address now before you're too drunk to text English.
I offered him midol and told him "it always helps my period so maybe it'll help yours"
Finding out you're not a mother on Mother's Day >>>
You faceplanted on the railroad tracks and when I tried to tell you to get up, you told me you were "taking a quick breather"
I got so drunk last night that I was drunk in my dream. Good night
I am not a whore. I just wanted casual drinking, monogamous sex and occasional McDonald's runs.
In a meeting I sneezed and my tooth hit the floor. I don't think anyone noticed. I would still like to die now.
Randomize
