i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
Last night i stole a disco ball from a frat house by pretending i was pregnant.
Should I feel badly because I just bought a really hot pregnant girl a drink after I lit her cigarette?
Just ate cheeseit crumbs off the floor. i feel like Kirstie Alley.
She's making her own pesto again. Cooking spaghetti in the microwave and "frying" vegetables in the toaster oven. All this while wearing the yellow rubber gloves and saying that the pesto has feelings like a real person. Im terrified.
You kno how some people just need a "everything will be alright" pat on the back? I need an "everything will be alright" blowjob right now. Come over
Hot freshmen.....hot freshmen chicks everywhere
You say this every welcome week, bro.
I dropped my keys into the toaster and felt it push down as I pulled them out. Couldn't stop thinking it was a bad idea the whole time.
I still don't know how you've lived this long.
she basically told me that her vine videos last longer that I do
Have fun in Vegas! Be safe, use condoms, and take a pic of Jon beforehand to give out when he goes missing. It will help the police.
I am sure I don't wanna know but I have to ask... Why is there a kiddie pool full of jello in the living room?
Im just an angry damaged little elf who wanders around and tries to find drugs.
You made me brush your teeth last night......for 47 minutes.
I just watched two birds fight or fuck. It was crazy. Another bird was watching closer and I know that bird understood what was happening better than me.
Idk if you've ever tried hysterically crying in the shower listening to Florence + The Machine but it's honestly a life-affirming experience
Randomize
