Alex texted me. Bootycall boy #2. its like an alarm goes off once i'm single that the line is open again
I am not hooking up with him just to see what his penis looks like.
Just took a closer look at the paper that kid wrote me his number on. It was an ATM receipt. His balance is $17.89. i made the right choice.
started to yawn and threw up hamburger helper instead. awesome night.
And to think..we used to do everything sober...
He got arrested in front of the church last night. Looks like we need to find a new location for the wedding.
As far as drugs go, alcohol has all the elegance and precision of hitting yourself in the head with a hammer.
So in Aca Taco on grad night 1am, this bitch walks in alone drunk as fuck in her gown to the front of the line and says, "I graduated today...thank YOU"
Don't worry, I'm preparing for tonight by lining my purse with a garbage bag.
I got really adventurous too. Like. Balls in the mouth adventurous.
I'd like to buy a season pass to your dick please.
THERE IS A MOTHERFUCKING HUMMINGBIRD FLYING AROUND IN OUR HOUSE RIGHT NOW HOW DO I GET IT OUT????
There's nothing wrong with using cocaine to keep my heart rate up in my fitness class.
You faceplanted on the railroad tracks and when I tried to tell you to get up, you told me you were "taking a quick breather"
Just bought 2 liters of wine and frozen waffles for dinner. Is this 30?
Randomize
