My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
For his 21st I'm getting a fancy hotel that way he can at least sleep in a nice bathtub
lets be honest. she's not NEARLY as much fun to fb creep since she got out of rehab...
Just suggested things for my dad to get my mom for Christmas in terms of "yeah you'll get laid."
You could say the cab driver was less than excited when we called his personal cell phone at 4am for directions back to our hotel after having blacked out at the club
At this point if I didn't go to work hungover I think the whole place would think something is wrong
No. If I hated you would get none. Then I would eat them all in front of you and laugh at your tears. Although that hasn't been ruled out for entertainment purposes. Nothing purposeful.
Actually, I take that back. You can only have it if I'm allowed to French braid the mullet.
I swear to god if I see a single piece of genitalia I'm driving back to LI and smacking you back to the Italian Renaissance
I was drunk and gave him my dad's phone number instead because somehow I thought that'd be funny. Man did that fucking backfire
Hello my rib-scented angel!
I can see your house from here
Get off of his fucking roof
I'm pretty sure i doubled the number of dicks I've ever touched, last night.
fyi my negative pregnancy test is taped to the fridge...i'll take it over an A+ any day. be proud.
she is currently in the shower drinking a beer and dancing to a song called "the penis song" my roommate is cooler than yours
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