guys i just found a dildo in the laundry room and its purple
whats a dildo? isnt that like a fancy piece of bread?
You were crying and asking his mom "why doesn't he like road head?"
don't pay it forward
I eont pay shit forward. told a stranger to call an abulance and peaced
It got messy; I did a shot of seamonkeys.
The sun is gonna brush it's hairy dick across my forehead in the morning, gently whispering: "you're 4 hours late for work"
You woke me up at 2 am to tell me I could pee in a golf club if I wanted to.
Hey can you text me Heidi's phone number. I just stapled her mattress to the wall and I want to send her a picture of it.
Just sent my cousin to buy me a new bra cause mine is zip tied to a bar in the middle of nowhere Iowa
I sent "Rawrrrr" to 151 matches on Tinder. I feel like thats a substantial size of the DC female population.
What did you two do last night and why did Sam send me a picture of your dick?
I don't know man, I woke up and shes here acting like she knows me, wearing my clothes, and scrambling eggs in my kitchen. I don't know her.
You were drinking with me last night, I warned you.
I woke up with a dread of barbecue sauce in my hair. Drunk munchies makes me a disgusting person.
I had to put my dog down, accidentally outed my brother, and was given a fucking fish sandwich instead of a Big Mac ALL IN ONE DAY! Am I really the person you want to consult for advice? Hhhmmmmmm?
Intoxication Level: I'm as graceful and flawless as a fucking dinosaur.
It's like his penis moved in and did some interior decorating without telling me first...
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