When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
The best thing happened. Some guy was butchering Conway Twitty at karoke and the power went off in the whole bar. And someone shouted "you pissed jesus off when you messed with conway!"
when I woke up I found a half-eaten cherry toaster strudel sandwich with bacon in the middle.
one of the cashiers from Kroger is eating at my kitchen table and nobody knows why.
IS FOOTBALL GONNA SUCK HIS DICK? NO, IT IS NOT
I smoked a bowl while he ate me out, you need to change your major to match making asap. You are a guru of love.
the outcome of this sandwich determines whether or not i do anything else with my day..
All I know is I want him to tie me up at least twice a week and I have an overwhelming urge to cook for him. Could this be love? I'm so confused....
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
Woke up this morning with Nerf Bullets stuck to everything in my house and nut in my belly button. What exactly happened last night?
We need a hype man... Like a DMX type dude to just up the ante constantly...
So... I may have accidentally just sat on a strip of a home waxing kit.. naked... Assistance is definitely needed....
Have you ever tried to have sex with a fairy? My penis is literally bigger than her.
THERE HAS BEEN GRANDTHEFT IN THE HOUSE. SOMEONE STOLE THE BABYWIPES AND YOU NEED TO BUY MORE BEFORE WE LET YOU IN. oh and you have to take two shots before we'll let you in. with no chaser.
So what we learned was that it doesn't matter how skinny the stripper is, if she sits on your knee with a torn acl for two hours it's going to swell up
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