mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
What's the point in getting all dressed up and going when i'm just gonna throw up on myself by midnight?
I knew something was wrong when santa got arrested
peeing off your aunts pourch into the koy pond seemed like a good idea at the time
She makes walking on a treadmill look like a porno. I wish I could send over shots as an ice breaker.
That's effing brilliant. We should start a business.
He ate me out while I was wearing a tiara.... I think I could get used to this
He's freaking out just because my cat licked his balls while he was fucking me
I don't know how I'm going to know it's her, I only know what she looks like with a wig on
SHE COULD ALREADY BE HERE AND I WOULDN'T EVEN KNOW
My phone keeps autocorrecting to the "st. Natty's Day Parade" and I'm completely okay with that
Sometimes I just want to serenade his penis with cheesy 80s songs.
Despite popular belief cocaine is not a good pre-workout
I admit it could have gone better but look at it this way, since I broke the urn you don't have to worry about spreading the ashes.
I just dominated some guy while wearing your moms thong
There's a dude wearing a banana suit at the house across the street....
Cat needed to get out last night. Walking to the door was too much effort so I encouraged (pushed) him to leave via window.
Isn't your room on the second floor?
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