I just took a bite of a bagel at school and it tasted like weed. If I am high for my test in 2 hours I'm gonna kick someones ass
I'm just gonna go nail your roommate after we break up anyway.
My mail consisted of a box of dildos and christmas card from grandma.
just walk of shamed past a man riding a bike. RIDING A BIKE. what a wholesome life he must lead.
Had dinner with my ex husband. The box of wine is gone and I'm laying on the floor in my wedding dress. Where are you?!
I need to shotgun another beer. Where's the machete?
He has a shower chair now. So he sits and watches me shower. It's kind of creepy.
I wasn't vocally whispering "she wants to bite your dick off" about that kirsten girl was I?
I just took the soggiest of beer shits and all i have to eat is shredded cheese and more beer. I need an adult.
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
no need to worry, I have the internet and a cape, I can accomplish anything. nothing can go wrong, I am unstoppable. Yo.
I get a little bitchy. We all know that
i regret nothing
brb throwing up in the dishwasher
i regret everything
Hey before you quit, let me sell drugs to your boss at least one more time
Maybe? I'm not shaving my pubes for a maybe type of night.
Randomize
