My nephew just came out playing with my moms vibrator.
fucking a dude
i mean: fucking a, dude
wow, that comma made all the difference there
There are babies in the room i shouldnt be high with babies in the room.
I just paid a homeless man $20 for the dragon ball Z shirt he was wearing. I need to stop drinking
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
You really need to get over the whole "jail" thing. Its really not that bad.
We should tie ourselves together anytime there is any type of alcohol involved. It's the safest way. I either end up with freshmen or weird ex bfs. You end up with a large cowboy. This is not good for us
Ed's in which sucks about a thousand cocks... But thats 1800 less than working with Alex so it's gonna be a good day
I just finished spraying the foam party off my pumps with a garden hose
You don't know commitment until you try and waterproof a non-waterproof vibrator
I just remembered that you tried to trade me for a glass of wine
I'm currently on a bowling date with my girlfriend and her boyfriend. It's pretty fun.
We have to do it Saturday and get a thirty. If i remember correctly it takes me 12 beers to become a wizard
Dude. Woke up this morning wearing that chick's panties. 8/10, would recommend. I love tequila.
He just stopped me mid blow job so he could text his wife asking for TacoBell.
Randomize
